Is this it?

Is this winter? I guess that technically it isn't, but I keep seeing this bank sign on my way to and from work with ridiculous numbers on it. Numbers like 24, for example. And it just doesn't feel that cold out at all. I pretty much never watch the news or look for weather forecasts; I just go outside and see how it feels, and it hasn't felt at all like 24 to me. Maybe like 42. Not sure what this is all about, but I'm not ruling out the possibility that I may have developed a superhuman resistance to cold recently. It might also relate, I suppose, to a beard project that I'm pursuing right now.

Facial hair is kind of a hobby of mine, as many of you should know. I've tried a variety of looks since the summer of 1997, and I've considered others. This experience and contemplation has resulted in a mental "catalog" of facial hair configurations. This catalog is presented here, in writing, for the first time ever. For the purposes of illustration, I have attempted to draw examples of these various facial hair configurations on to the boyish visage of Hollywood heart-throb Tobey Maguire. I think you will find it to be the finest Tobey Maguire-based guide to facial hair on the internet today. I think you will also find that in pretty much every instance, the facial hair is a major improvement. Enjoy:

So here you've got your basic Tobey Maguire. This look is commonly labelled as "clean-cut," although I also like to refer to it as "the go-getter." You could also call it "BOR-ing!"


Well, well, Mr. Maguire, what's this? All right, you've got my attention. This here is commonly labelled a "soul patch," although an overwhelming majority of the people I see it with don't seem to show any other indicators of "soul." And I should know, because I've got soul. And I'm super bad. I've experimented with the soul patch on one or two occasions, but never for very long. I find that it leaves too much of my big, stupid face uncovered.


Now this fellow here is really just a variation on the soul patch, but I like to set it aside as the "Rick Miller." This is in honor of the frontman of Southern Culture on the Skids, the awesome band I was plugging last month. The Rick Miller also serves, in comparison with the soul patch, to illustrate the phenomenon that I call "creep." As anyone who's ever grown so much as a pair of sideburns has probably experienced, facial hair, if not carefully kept in check, has a tendency to creep down the face. What happens is, when shaving, if the shaver shaves from the bottom edge of the visible facial hair, the existing hairs are covering previously shaven follicles which will now be unshaven, sprouting new hairs, which will cover more follicles, and so on. If this process were allowed to play out in the case of a standard soul patch, the result would eventually be a Rick Miller.

Ah, here we go. Here's an old friend. The goatee (no mustache). This was my first foray into the world of facial hair. I think I grew it the summer after my senior year of high school, and I would keep it, or some variation on it, in place for most of the next four years.

Here's another variation. The goatee (yes mustache). This is a very popular look for people who don't want to be as boring as someone with no facial hair, but who do still want to be boring. Also popular among caucasian major league baseball players.

Whoa! What's happened here?! That thing is jumping right off of Tobey Maguire's face, and into my heart! Ladies, gentlemen ... this is an unfortunate phenomenon known as "the Pharaoh" ... admittedly, a much cooler name than it deserves. The only reason I even include this abomination in this guide is because I once grew this. And when I say "once," I mean "twice." I grew one in my freshman year of college, and I thought it was fargin' sweet. Then I shaved it off the summer after freshman year. When I saw photos of it, I thought "wow, that looks horrible." I thought, however, that I had learned from my past mistakes, and sophomore year I endeavoured to correct my earlier missteps with a second Pharaoh. This time, I knew that it was fargin' sweet. Photographic evidence would later prove, however, that I was wrong again.

Nice. Nice, Tobey Maguire. F-ing nice. This is, of course, the mustache, in its simple glory. It's not hurtin' anyone, people, it just wants to live and be awesome. The mustache has gotten a bad rap in recent years, but there's something undeniable about it. I'm a little sad to admit that I've never busted out a mustache like this one. Honestly, so far I haven't had the stones. But someday, I hope ... someday.

Yes. Now we're getting somewhere. This, folks, is the fu manchu. Or, as one of my old work colleagues used to call it every time he saw me with mine, "that ridiculous Hulk Hogan mustache." Yeah, I had one of these babies. I grew it (or rather, shaved a beard off and left it) and I didn't really like it at first. I thought I would force myself to keep it for a week, and then ditch it. Eight months later, I still had it. Actually, mine was in combination with a soul patch, which really sets it off, I think. This is probably my second-favorite form of facial hair other than the full beard (see below).

Hmmm. This was supposed to emulate the 1890's collegiate football player mustache that I referenced in an earlier entry. But, it really comes off more like a "Mexican" extra in an old Western movie (i.e., a fat white guy in make up). "Me llamo Tobi Maguerro."

All right, now this next one is where we come into some controversy. These are the pork chops, a.k.a. mutton chops. I'm going to cut right to the chase and say that, frankly, I think these are over-rated. Granted, they still make Tobey Maguire look a lot better than he normally does, but ... I don't know, people. It's just stupid.

You want facial hair that isn't stupid? Why not try out this little number? I call it the "civil war." The key aspects of the civil war are (1) that the chin be shaved, (2) that a mustache be in place and (3) that the mustache be connected to the sideburns. This can be accomplished in a number of ways, but the example above most closely approximates the exact manner in which I executed this particular configuration. At the end of a semester in my second senior year of college, I shaved a beard into this arrangement in an attempt to gain a psychological advantage over my classmates during final exams. Results were inconclusive, but I did keep the civil war all through winter break, which means that somewhere my mother is hiding photographic evidence of a family Christmas marred by ridiculous(ly awesome) facial hair.

My my, who is this distinguished gentleman? Why, it's not a distinguished gentleman at all! It's major motion picture superstar Tobey Maguire, sporting an Abe Lincoln! The Abe Lincoln is probably the first true "beard" that I ever grew. This was another collegiate endeavour. Previously I had only had the goatee (no mustache), but the Abe Lincoln ran all the way into my sideburns for a true beard. Some people call this the "chin strap," but I prefer the moniker "Abe Lincoln." Prairie State, y'all. Represent.

Sorry I'm late for class, Professor Maguire! A senior cut in front of me in line for the water fountain! Yes, this is the "Professor." A neatly trimmed and restrained beard/mustache combo, it carries a certain classiness that virtually ensures that it will never be seen on my face ... again. Yes, I busted out a Professor in college once, but I didn't keep it long, and I really don't know why I ever did it in the first place. Probably peer pressure. A key aspect of the Professor is that the cheeks are shaved, rather than allowing the beard to soar like the eagle.

I'm not really sure what to call this fellow. Maybe the "Lumberjack"? Or the "Bluto"? Yeah, the Bluto. Look for Tobey Maguire to be cast as the classic villain in the inevitable live-action, feature-length Popeye movie. The Bluto (or the Lumberjack, or the GI Joe, whatever you prefer) is a classic favorite of mine. In this arrangement, the neck is shaved, but the beard is otherwise left to pursue its own interests. I'm currently working on a Bluto that is starting to develop a Pharaoh-like appendage in the front. Photographic evidence will undoubtedly later show that this was a mistake. When will I learn?

Ah, the "U-Boat," a.k.a. "Das Beard." This is what you get with your typical 30-day patrol of the North Atlantic. You know, you've got to conserve water, so why shave at all? Hell, it looks awesome, so the whole water thing is probably just an excuse, anyway. Lookin' good, Tobey!

Well, this concludes the guide. This is not all-inclusive, and there are other configurations out there, including, but not limited to, the "Matt Clement," the "Robby Krieger," and the "ZZ Top." But this brief list includes most of my favorites, as well as all of my personal accomplishments, or at least their components.

In the interest of reader participation, feel free to copy the "BOR-ing" photo of Tobey Maguire and submit your own beards (and of course their names). Noteworthy submissions may be featured in a future post.